Time and time again President Trump has demonstrated and expressed a profound reluctance to relinquish his high office, even after losing the election. Moreover, his fans and supporters will be lost and heartbroken without him. Sympathetic to their plight, I have come up with the perfect solution: I propose we make Donald Trump our king.
No doubt, the radical liberals in those awful blue states like California and New York would not condone or accept the rule of King Donald I. But Trump has multitudes of loyal minions here, so we should proclaim him King Donald I of Kentucky.
The Kentucky Castle in Versailles was recently named by Architecture Digest as “The Most Beautiful Hotel in Kentucky.” It seems a perfect residence for King Donald I, but it probably will not meet his royal standards. I am confident, however, that King Donald can borrow a couple hundred million for renovations from Deutsche Bank or elsewhere.
(According to Wikipedia: Trump has a total of over $1 billion in debts, borrowed to finance his assets, reported Forbes in October 2020. Around $640 million or more was owed to various banks, including Deutsche Bank, Professional Bank, Amboy Bank, and Investors Savings Bank....)
His Majesty King Donald will be allowed to accrue unlimited wealth, but he will not pay taxes. Monies earned from royal endorsements, and from the sale of “Make America A Monarchy” merchandise, will be tax exempt. The $750 he paid in federal income tax in 2016, and again in 2017, will be repaid to him with interest. Additionally, the Secretary of the Treasury and the President of the United States will apologize for any inconvenience.
Like every ex-president, King Donald will be protected by the Secret Service, but they will not wear traditional dark suits. Instead they will be outfitted much like the King’s Guard in England, with plaid kilts and tall “bearskin” hats. (Queen Melania will oversee and give final approval of the type and design of the King’s Guard’s attire.) Regardless of how they are taunted or teased, the King’s Guard must remain perfectly motionless and maintain a stoic and stony appearance—until and unless King Donald is ridiculed or besmirched, at which time they can and will use deadly force. Lances will be issued expressly for this purpose. Outgoing chief of staff Mark Meadows shall serve as Captain of the Guard.
Kentucky’s five primary regions—the Cumberland Plateau in the east, the north-central Bluegrass region, the south-central and western Pennyroyal Plateau, the Western Coal Fields, and the far-west Jackson Purchase—will become fiefdoms of King Donald’s royal family. They shall henceforth be known as Prince Eric of the Cumberland, Prince Don Junior of the Bluegrass, Princess Ivanka of the Pennyroyal, Prince Jared of the West, and Prince Barron of the Jackson.
Princess Tiffany shall serve as royal lady in waiting to Queen Melania, until she is wed to the Duke of Paducah, at which time she will become Princess Tiffany of the Jackson, replacing young Prince Barron in that role. Prince Barron shall be named the Viscount of Versailles.
Disloyal family members such as the king’s niece, Mary L. Trump PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of the book Too Much and Never Enough: How My Family Created the World’s Most Dangerous Man, will be summarily beheaded in the Tower of Trump. King Donald’s older sister, Maryanne Trump Barry, a former federal judge who has described the king as a “cruel” man with “no principles,” shall also be beheaded. Outgoing Trump adviser Stephen Miller shall serve as Royal Executioner.
Prior to King Donald’s coronation, the Kentucky General Assembly shall meet in special session and amend Section 23 of the Constitution of the Commonwealth of Kentucky which currently states: “The General Assembly shall not grant any title of nobility or hereditary distinction, nor create any office the appointment of which shall be for a longer time than a term of years.”
Section 23 will be amended as follows: “The General Assembly shall grant the title of Royal Monarch of Kentucky upon Donald J. Trump, who henceforth and alone shall possess the royal prerogative to bestow honors and dignities, create peerages, and grant knighthoods upon those he deems worthy. Succession to the throne shall be determined by descent, gender (males shall precede their elder sisters in the line of succession), and legitimacy.”
Furthermore, the General Assembly shall specify and codify any and all limitations of the monarch’s royal prerogative, to wit: “The monarch shall have the power and authority to order the executions of family members only.” Political rivals not directly related to the king—such as Hillary Clinton, Barack Obama, Nancy Pelosi, Gretchen Whitmer, et al—will be spared the Royal Executioner’s axe.
Finally, the General Assembly shall stipulate that the monarch shall be immune from any and all criminal and civil prosecutions, and any and all ongoing criminal investigations shall forthwith cease and desist. (According to The New York Times, Trump is the focus of at least 10 federal and 8 state and local investigations for crimes ranging from campaign finance violations to bank and tax fraud.)
King Donald’s royal family shall also be immune from prosecution. (According to Newsweek, the Trump family is under investigation by the Washington D.C. attorney general for profiting illegally from Trump’s 2017 inauguration.)
The coronation ceremony will be held at the Kentucky Castle in Versailles. The most senior cleric in the White House, Trump’s longtime spiritual adviser and outgoing head of the Faith and Opportunity Initiative, televangelist Paula White, shall conduct the coronation on January 20, 2021, concurrent with Joe Biden’s inauguration. Top Trump donors such as Timothy Melton ($10 million), Kelcy Warren ($10 million), and Geoffrey Palmer ($6 million), shall finance and ensure the attendance of at least two million people, thereby surpassing the attendance at Obama’s inaugurations.
Tiffany & Co. of New York shall be retained to design and manufacture crowns of gold, platinum, and assorted precious jewels for King Donald and Queen Melania. (The latter will oversee and give final approval of the type and design of the crowns.) The General Assembly shall allocate a sum not less than $5 million and not more than $10 million for the creation of the royal crowns.
Although this is a bright red state and Trump won here decisively, some weak and foolish people [READ: Democrats] might oppose the monarchy of King Donald I of Kentucky. I urge them to consider the financial benefits. It is estimated that the coronation alone will bring more than $1 billion dollars to the Versailles/Lexington area—four times the revenue generated by the Kentucky Derby. Hotels, restaurants, bars, and gift shops will reap immediate rewards. Doctors, hospitals, and funeral homes will benefit shortly thereafter, thanks to this spectacular super-spreader event.
Long live King Donald I of Kentucky!
Mark Heinz lives at Nolin Lake. Visit his website at amazon.com/author/markheinzbooks.