Nearly qualifying as a bionic man

For starters I underwent open heart surgery following a visit to Jewish Hospital in Louisville that determined I had some clogged arteries. That required a five-bypass operation that proved very successful.

In fact, the very nice and very competent surgeon performing that operation came into my hospital room the following morning, and I told him I heard he did a fantastic job.

“It wasn’t anything,” he said. “All I did was place five new fuel lines to a very good engine.”

Now for that bionic stuff.

In an almost unheard of procedure, I had both knees replaced at the same time on the same workbench and with highly-qualified surgeons on both sides.

While not yet determined official, I was later told I might have been the first patient to have that particular surgical procedure done in the state of Kentucky.

And I was told by one of those doctors that the mechanics in artificial knees would only last about eight years.

Boy, did I ever mess up!

A short time later, my bride started walking five miles a day for 22 years and only one of the knees — the right one — has been replaced. The left one seems to be in fine shape.

Then I had major surgery on both shoulders. I had five knuckles on my right hand replaced and three on my left hand.

Then came some upper-back surgery and both wrists reworked. And I had surgery to remove a tumor from my left knee.

Lower-back surgery has been suggested, and my doctor son-in-law is pretty sure I have suffered a stroke. I now walk with a cane, but that’s not because of a bad leg or two. I use it to fight off women.

One of my doctors — who I won’t identify — said that cane business could be a little dangerous but indicated it still could be in the best interest of the women.

I told him I didn’t appreciate his sick humor and that the next surgery he performs on me will be my toenails.